How To Overcome Getting Ghosted (+ My recent experience!)
If you follow me on Instagram you’ll know by now that I pretty much share everything about my life. As an ‘influencer’ (I use that term very loosely as at our core we are all influencers), light-worker and coach I feel I have a duty to share all aspects of my human experience - the good, the bad and the ugly. To me it’s all the same, but it’s the vulnerability that really allows you guys to connect to what I’m saying; because after all, we all experience different shades of the same stuff: fear, anger, frustration, love, joy, hurt, low self-esteem, jealousy - the list goes on. Own it.
In my newsletter last week (if you’re not on my mailing list, get on board girl!), I shared with you that I’d met an incredible guy and we’d been dating for three weeks. In many ways it had been moving relatively quickly, but at the same time we went days at a time without seeing each other due to his travel schedule.
I was over the moon that I’d found someone so on my level, with the same sense of humour, who thought I was the cutest thing he’d ever seen and regularly reminded me so. He was smart, ambitious, honest, attentive and incredibly generous. He met some of my friends and spoke about the future. We were in constant contact.
And then three weeks in, on the eve of my birthday weekend (hi 35!!) he was gone. I’d been ghosted. My last text was “everything okay?” as I’d felt he’d been more distant the past couple days in his comms. And I didn’t get a reply. I called the next day thinking that maybe he’d gone to sleep early--nothing. The next day - my birthday - I sent a text telling him how hurt and disappointed I was at the way things had turned out - still no reply.
You can read more about the how’s and why’s of ghosting here.
The feeling of being ghosted is a real bitch, particularly if like me you have shadow around rejection and abandonment. I’ve been able to navigate this situation gently thanks to my core physical, emotional and spiritual practices, and I want to share them with you here.
Don’t take it personally (because it’s not about you)
Very much easier said than done. Immediately our wounded ego mind jumps to what we could have possibly said or done to make someone ghost us. But it’s never about us and is always, ALWAYS about them. One of my favourite books of all time: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz delves into this practice and it has gotten me through some real emotional blips on this road. Take note: this doesn’t mean that we spiritual bypass the situation altogether and avoid all responsibility on our part, but it does stop us from moving into a spiral of self-blame and shame.
How I applied this: I continued to remind myself that he must have been hurting a lot to be able to do this, and sent him love and compassion for his journey. Remember that hurt people hurt people and that is never about you and what you did or didn’t do. You could be Emily Ratajkowski and he’d still fuck you up if he’s carrying his own pain and trauma.
Listen to your intuition
I’m a meditator, and I receive divinely guided messages when I sit in silence. My intuition told me very loudly from the get-go that “he was scared, he was scared, he was scared.” I’m an empath and really, really good at reading people’s energies, and I sensed pretty early on that this could have been true for him, even pre-ghosting.
How I applied this: a daily meditation practice, usually with binaural beats. And journaling my thoughts and feelings. Don’t question the intuitive hits; just know that this is your higher self giving you messages that you need to hear. Update: we’ve since been in contact and this has proven to be accurate. Just goes to show, ya gotta honour these messages from the Divine!
Let yourself be emotional
Anger and sadness are often the last place we want to go, and it can actually be really difficult for me to allow myself to cry, particularly around other people, but I went there. I’m incredibly lucky to have soul friends who know how to hold space for emotional pain. After a few days of honouring whatever emotions I was feeling, crying to my Mum and grieving the potential that this relationship could have been, I immediately switched into gratitude. Gratitude for Source, Spirit, Universe whatever, showing me the lessons I still needed to learn. Fear can’t exist when we’re grateful.
How I applied this: I spent my birthday eve sitting on a beach with my soulie Clara, watching the sunset and just verbalising everything I was feeling. This is such an important part of honouring our emotions and allowing them to be released cathartically. I mean, how great do we all feel after a cry, am I right?! The situation loses a lot of its’ emotional charge and I’m a big big advocate of emotional release. Maybe you want to scream, or punch a pillow, or put on some sad music and wail. You do you, girl. It’s all perfect and it’s all welcome here. The only way out is through. I truly believe that.
Extract the wisdom
This is a practice I’ve learnt over the past 12 weeks of working with my therapist Faye Lawand-Maclean from The Recharge Project, whilst in deep hypnosis. It’s not about going back into the painful scenario and making a cosy nest for yourself there, it’s about taking a birds eye view of the events and what you learnt from them. I knew immediately what my lesson was; and my girl Clara did too!
How I applied this: I’m an optimist, and I don’t allow myself to wallow in self-pity because it doesn’t serve my process and it doesn’t serve me. I knew that this experience happened FOR me, because I had still been feeling on some level that I needed a man to complete me. That I would only be happy when I had a boyfriend. Because I was SO ready to be in love after 3 years of doing ‘the work’ on myself to be ready. I’d even uttered these exact words to my coach exactly ONE WEEK before he walked into my life. “I’ll be happy when I have a boyfriend”—and so the universe gave me a big motherfucking wake up call.
So be careful what you wish for, because you might just get exactly that. And it’s not always going to be in the package you wanted, but it’s definitely going to be necessary for your growth. I am so committed to my continual expansion that I am ready and willing to take the hits again and again. Life is constantly testing us and testing whether we’re ready for our next level of growth.
be unattached to an outcome
Practicing the art of non-attachment, a Buddhist philosophy, has been a real game-changer for me over the past year. It means having a clear idea and an intention of what you want (and holding the vibration that you can have it) but being unattached to the outcome. Unattached of how and when that needs to arrive, and not allowing something outside of you to define you and your identity.
How I applied this: By being unattached to getting a response from him and what that response needed to be, I wasn’t setting myself up for disappointment. And I wasn’t controlling the situation. Often it’s our addiction to control that sets us up for suffering. Now that we’re back in contact, I’m unattached to how things are going to unfold now, and I’m letting Universe guide me to the best outcome.
You might be wondering what has happened since.
We’ve been in touch over the past couple of days. I felt that I needed to give him another opportunity to be heard and so I called him (off a private number, like a true stalker!) and I invited him to give an explanation. He admitted to being a coward and to treating me rudely and unfairly. He said that it had moved quickly and he got scared. (Remember my intuition!) He admitted that he has a history of running from his issues. So I met him with compassion, offered him the space to be heard and remained open to him saying whatever needed to be said. (NB, this was all over text, because I guess he’s still too in his hurt and shame to speak in person.)
See, it wasn’t about me. But I knew that. And I want you to know this too. Not just on a head level, but on a full body SOUL level. You owe that kindness to yourself.
Sadly with the new digital age of dating, it does make it a lot easier for men (and women) to drop contact. Whilst we can’t control that, we can control how we respond and move on. I hope that this has been helpful.
In love and healing