MONDAY PEP TALK | How To Know When You're Settling (And How To Stop)
Here’s your latest Monday Pep Talk…
(If you’re not already signed up, you can do so here.)
Cos nobody wants to be the girl who settled. Yet, I'm sure if we sat down and took stock of your life and how you were currently living it, we'd probably be able to draw a red circle around the areas where you've sold yourself short. And I'm willing to bet it was an unconscious choice.
(We can't change anything until we make the unconscious conscious, so stick with me grasshopper.)
What does settling look like?
Settling means choosing something that is below your current level of self-worth and what you truly desire. Relationships, career, health, friendships and wealth are the most common areas where people settle for second (or third) best.
Why do we settle?
We live in a world centred around achievement and immediacy. You want to tick the box of getting married/securing a high-flying job/having kids/a boat/an expensive dog just so that you fit in and get other people (usually your parents and the bitches you went to school with) off your case. To blend in. There's this socialisation of 'this is what a successful human looks like' and if you don't fit that mold you may as well have L plates on your forehead.
(I 100% know there's people out there who marry & achieve milestones for all the right reasons, too).
So, we settle out of fear. Fear of being the 35 year old single gal who lives at home with her Mum. (Would 100% recommend.)
We settle out of low self-worth. "I don't believe I can have everything that I actually want, so I'll take the next best thing."
And here's something super interesting that I learned recently on a podcast.
Women are BIOLOGICALLY WIRED to settle, for reproduction purposes. It's our womanly duty to conceive children, so it's woven into our DNA to settle and overlook a mans shortcomings (our dealbreakers) so that we can still reproduce. How fucked up is that? So to my single ladies, next time you decide that the guy clipping his toenails in your bathtub "isn't that bad", know that that's your ovaries speaking and you deserve a man who manicures his toes elsewhere.
Anna, where in your life have you settled?
How long have you got?
I settled for a career helping other people become successful (as an Executive Assistant) because I never believed I could be at that level. I grew up with parents who really struggled with money (and with a wealthy grandmother who used money to get her way) and so I was terrified of money and success, and adopted the subconscious belief that it was safer just to 'do okay'.
I settled for average marks in school so I didn't get labeled a nerd
I settled for relationships where the guy was emotionally unavailable, didn't tick my boxes (because I had none; I thought that was way too superficial), did drugs, cheated, took advantage of me etc. Because, I grew up with the belief that love was hard and I should just take what I could get.
I settled for friendships where there wasn't a fair and equitable energy exchange, and where I was treated poorly because they used their power over me and my ego liked to be wanted.
I settled for shitty sex because "it's just my job to lie here and please mah man!" (That and I was SOOO oblivious to my own sexual needs, which I'm so excited to be jamming on for the first time in Radical Blueprint. We deserve to be having incredible, soul food sex.)
I settled for shitty food because "healthy food is expensive" and I didn't see the value in investing in myself
I even found myself last week settling for just 10 women in my mastermind program instead of 30 (my target) because"I don't want to be too greedy" and"will I be able to hold space for that many people?" Fuck that. I want to deeply impact 30 women and change their lives forever. And I will. Because it gets to be that easy. And imagine the ripple effect that those 30 women will have, on their kids, partners, coworkers, friends.
How do I unblock and upgrade from settling?
Firstly you have to get clear on what your desires actually are! Get your journal out and write down the following items:
Love + Relationships
Joy + Play + Fun
Then give each area a rating out of 10 as to how that area of your life feels right now. But you can't use the number 7 because 7 is too bleh. Then write under that how you DESIRE each area to look/feel. Then underneath, write what's in the way of it being a 10. What are the CHALLENGES.
DESIRES minus CHALLENGES plus BELIEF/INSPIRED ACTION equals RESULTS.
Now write down where you feel you've settled and why? Was it programming by your parents or by society? Is it out of fear? Low self-worth? What gets to be unblocked in order for you to move forward and send a message to the universe that you are worthy and ready for more? Because if you continue to show up not in your worth, the universe will mirror the same results back to you.
This is what we'll be diving deep on in Radical Blueprint mastermind. The investment is NZD$1500 and the return will be 20 times that, so what are you waiting (settling) for?!
Watch this: Refusing to Settle: The Quarter-Life Crisis | Adam "Smiley" Poswolsky (16 mins)
Ask yourself this: Who would I be if I stopped settling and started selecting?
Here are some journalling prompts you can try:
Where in my life have I settled and why?
What is my biggest desire right now? What's getting in the way of me having that?
I am worthy of.....(set a timer for 10 mins and write down all of the things you are worthy of, starting each sentence with "I am worthy of"
I hope this resonated and activated something in you. Comment below what you took away from this pep talk so I can celebrate you.